


Jealousy is the fear of not being loved

by Be-morbidly-chill (RammBook)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Don't Examine This Too Closely, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Jealousy, Lesbian Chloe Valentine, Mostly Dialogue, Why is there a perfect tag for this, don't ask if its canon i might be able to forcibly shove it in, mentions of prom, talking about feelings and stuff, there's some light cursing therefore the T-Rating, unless your trigger is something super specific you should be good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RammBook/pseuds/Be-morbidly-chill
Summary: Chloe and Christine have a heart to heart with some surprising revelations. Some things might still stay hidden, but that doesn't mean everything does.Alternatively: They should talk about some stuff and become friends but canon won't let them so I am doing it in something resembling canon.
Relationships: Christine Canigula & Chloe Valentine
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Jealousy is the fear of not being loved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_new_recruit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_new_recruit/gifts).



> This goes out to my wonderful friend a_new_recruit aka [@almost-hopeless](https://almost-hopeless.tumblr.com/) on tumblr! Thank you for listening to all of my rambles and thank you for being so supportive of this fic and me in general! You deserve this (and the world, but we both know this world doesn't deserve you). 
> 
> Also shoutout to [Dev aka atlas_oulast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlas_oulast/profile) , for beta reading this for me, I appreciate it!
> 
> Lastly, shoutout to myself for actually finishing this, wow, you go me!

"You know," Christine says, as dry as her voice by now, sitting down next to Chloe who's still in her gown, on the steps in front of the school, illuminated by the red and blue lights behind her that blink in a steady rhythm. By now, everyone's pretty much gone home, left shortly after the police got called, none of them eager to get involved. "I used to be pretty jealous of you." Chloe looks up from her small mirror, startled, expression vulnerable and open for just a split second she'll deny ever existed if someone were to ask her about it, feeling ages away from the girl that started a fight out of frustration. She stares at Christine, arm with brush in hand sinking down.

"What?", she asks eventually, incredulity not quite hiding the underlying pride, the slight straightening of her back. "You were jealous of me?" 

Christine only shrugs in reply, a small and helpless gesture, as if she doesn't understand it herself, just saying things the way they are without knowing why. She puts her hands behind her onto the cold stone, grasping the ends of the stair she's sitting on, sliding a bit forward as she shifts her weight so her arms hold the brunt of it. "But why?" Why me she doesn't say.

"Well," Christine starts out, dragging out the vocal as if she's only now realizing a fatal mistake. She pauses, before changing her position again so her back hits the next stair, face hidden inside her hands. "It's stupid." 

"I think  _ I  _ pretty much ruined prom for everyone just because I was jealous of you and Jake," Chloe counters, never one to take excuses as answers, not even from herself. "Can't get worse than that." She remembers the anger she felt, seeing Christine dance with the one person she ever wanted to dance with. She's lifting up her mirror, glancing at Christine. It's a challenge more than a peace offering and they both know it. 

Christine takes a deep breath, doing a full body cringe and turns towards her. "You're right." Chloe rises an eyebrow in surprise, didn't expect her to be quite that honest. A pleasant surprise. "For starters, you're like, the perfect height." Chloe lets out a laugh, mostly involuntarily. That's where her jealousy stems from? Something Chloe can't control and Christine is wrong about?

"I'm the perfect height? Have you looked into a mirror lately?" She's looking at Christine directly now, lifting up the mirror in a way that's mostly symbolic. It's too small to be anything but. "Guys fall over you in an effort to get with you, just because they love to feel tall next to a cute girl!" Christine winces, even if it was technically a compliment, so Chloe puts the mirror down, resting it on her knees, angled upwards so it won't get scratches. What an interesting development.

"I don't like that," Christine confesses, bouncing her right leg. "I don't like being small and seen as cute and sweet and stuff. I mean I love compliments, who doesn't, but they're always for the same thing. I am more than cute and I wish people would see that. Besides, I am pretty sure there is a racist note to it as well with the whole 'Asians are super small and fragile' kinda thing, which I totally don't appreciate, I mean what happened to seeing people as they are and not their race, huh?" Chloe just looks at her and Christine clears her throat, awkwardly looking to the side. "So what I wanted to say is... I think your height is pretty decent. I just wish I was a tiny bit taller." Chloe nods in understanding. She knows how it is when you're not satisfied with the way you look because something will always be wrong, always not be good enough for that one person to notice you. "You're also like super conventionally pretty and know how to apply your make-up to amplify that even more and I know that is a skill and it takes time to learn and master, but I can't even use mascara without looking like a panda, no matter how hard I try." 

Chloe opens her mouth to tell her that google is free and has some actually valuable tips if you know where to look, but Christine is lifting up a finger to silence her. She's amazed at herself for listening to it. "I know, I know, it's important to try and not get discouraged if it doesn't work the first few times but goshdarnit if it isn't frustrating as all heck!" There is so much Chloe could say to that, responses ranging from cruel to medium nice, but her brain is stuck on that last sentence. Naturally, she has to say something. 

"You know you can just say fuck, right?" 

"Shit no, that's a bad fucking word!" Chloe just stares. What? Christine shakes her hands in a sad attempt at jazzhands, moving her whole body with it. "It was a joke, yaay?" Her voice is small and Chloe's lips start curling upwards, even if only the tiniest bit. She scoffs.

"You're unbelievable," she replies, turning her head so Christine can't see the grin that spreads on her face, lifting up the mirror as if that's what she's truly doing by looking away. "What happened to showering me in compliments?"

"Oh," Christine says. "Sorry." Chloe waves her free hand, trying to non-verbally tell her that it's okay if she just gets on with it, pulling out one of her favorite lipsticks from her purse. She knows that it is the right pink, spent ages staring at tantalizing lips to figure out the exact shade. "You're so organized and pretty much prepared for everything and I'm … not." Chloe gets the feeling there is something Christine isn't telling her, but it isn't like she's been the most open here, so she doesn't really mind. Or care, for that matter. "I just think that's cool," Christine continues, sounding unsure as if she isn't certain she is allowed to talk about it. "A lot of people just come up to you and strike up a conversation and they keep coming back because they like you and have a connection with you. They keep talking to you and I guess I always kind of wanted that for myself as well. You know, to just connect with people, no matter who and -" Chloe interrupts her, even if she can still see spaces where she has to go over with her lipstick again because her lips aren't properly covered yet. 

"Wait, wait, wait. First of all, I  _ don't  _ have an instant connection with everyone I talk to." How she wishes that were true, how she wants to have more than just small talk with  _ her. _

"You don't?" Christine inquires, voice full of wonder. Chloe shakes her head. 

"I don't, no one does. Brooke is the most outgoing person I know and even she doesn't click with everyone, so get that in your head. Second of all, what makes you think I  _ want  _ to talk to all those people all the time? Half the time when Rich talks I just wish he would stop approaching me every goddamn day. And thirdly, those people don't like me, as much as I don't like them. They talk to me because I am hot and popular, not because they  _ care. _ They are as interested in the real me as I am in the real them, which is to say not at all." Her anger is showing, she knows it is, but she can't bring up enough energy to care. Everyone always thinks she has it so easy, as if she didn't work hard to get (and stay!) where she is now. Maybe she should have worked harder to get what she truly wants. She knows it would have been her downfall.

"That sounds sad," Christine answers, sounding melancholic. "Like really sad." It then hits her, how lonely she is. Usually, she doesn't feel like this at school, shoves it away until it's evening and she's in her bed, wishing  _ someone  _ would be able to accept every part of her.

"It is what it is," she replies, shrugging. Her voice is more somber than she thought it would be. They're quiet, only the soft rustling of Chloe putting the lipstick back and beginning to brush her hair disrupting the silence. 

"If," Christine starts, fiddling with her thumbs. "If those people aren't your friends, if they don't know the real you… then who does?" Chloe frowns.

"Who does what?" Her voice is flat because she knows what's coming, even if she desperately tries to stretch out time just a little bit more so she doesn't have to hear it.

"Who knows the real you?" There it is. She drops the brush as she lets the realization sink in. There is no one.

"Sorry, was that rude?" Christine looks like she feels guilty, going so far as to bite her lip.

"No," Chloe says, and even if it was, she'd deserve it. "You're right." She takes a breath, plays with a strand of her hair. Brown, not red. Christine's eyes are transfixed on the movement. "Do you know why I did what I did?"

"Why you dumped punch on my head and made our dates fight? Because you were jealous of Jake and I because we were going together, right? Don't worry, we're just friends!" Chloe's thoughts wander back to them dancing, black suit, blue suit, red dress, teal dress. Her heart aches.

"That's not exactly it. I did it because," she stops, pulling on her hair so hard that pain shoots through her skull. Why can't she just spit it out? She starts over again. "I was jealous of you." Coward. 

Christine gasps, in a way that is dramatic and over the top and totally unnecessary. She jumps up, nearly falling down the stairs. "What?! Why would you do that?!"

"Ah yes, because I can control my feelings as much as everyone else can," Chloe replies, dry as the desert. Christine blinks. If she could, she would have stopped aeons ago.

"I meant like… why me?" It's an odd contrast to the yelling a few seconds prior, the way she folds into herself. "I'm not good at make-up or talking to people, the only thing I'm good at is theatre and that's weird. I'm not any of the things you are, I'm just… me." She gestures down her body and Chloe has to smile. To think that none of them realized their own potential.

"That's exactly it," she answers. "You're you."

"Everyone is themself," she retorts. "There's nothing special about me."

"Let me rephrase that. You're you,  _ unapologetically. _ " Christine frowns and opens her mouth, but this time it is Chloe who stops her with an index finger. "I'm talking. You're listening." She pats the stone next to herself. "Sit," she demands. Christine follows. "What I mean is that you don't give a shit about other people's opinions, you do what you want to do because you want to do it. I," Chloe hesitates. Is she really ready to share this part of herself? She takes a deep breath. It's now or never. "I change a lot depending on the person I am talking to and sometimes… sometimes I don't feel like I am me. Or even a person. But you're always you, no matter who you're talking to. And I think that's cool," she ends, echoing her sentiment. It sounds lame altogether, but she's never been good at sharing her raw emotions, so this is the best they're gonna get.

"You don't think I am annoying? Except if you're talking about theatre, I can see how I can seem a bit headstrong there, but I don't think you are because that would be weird. Not that talking about theatre is weird, but in this context it would be. Weird, that is. Shutting up now, please continue." Chloe laughs, just the tiniest chuckle, but a laugh nonetheless. She doesn't know when's the last time she's felt like that.

"See, that's what I mean. You let yourself be weird, no matter what other people think, because if they don't like you when you're yourself, then they're not worth pretending for," Chloe says, impressed. Her next words are uncharacteristically soft and she doesn't even bother trying to suppress it. "I wish I could be more like that." 

"Guess we both want something the other has, huh?" Christine bumps her elbow against Chloes. It doesn't hurt, but the contact is strangely friendly. 

"Yeah, guess so," she agrees. "But in the end we're still alone, so what was even the point?" 

"It doesn't have to be this way, we can have each other!" Christine twists her body so her whole front is visible to Chloe, who in turn slides a bit back, trying to maintain some distance.

"What do you mean?"

"What I  _ mean _ is, we can become friends, right?" Friends? "And, you know, learn from each other, stop being jealous and starting a fight at prom we totally still need to apologize and take responsibility for, talk and have lunch together…" She trails off, but the sentiment stays. Christine wants to be friends. With Chloe. Why?

"You would want that?", she asks, baffled. "You know I am a bitch, right? I literally just ruined prom for everyone." Christine honest to God  _ giggles. _

"Yeah, I know," she says, wiping away a tear. "I mean I also hope something like that won't happen again - I don't think I can look at punch for a while - but I do want to get to know you. The real you. If you are okay with that, I'm not going to stalk you about it or anything, unless you want that. Being friends that is, not the stalking part." For a moment, Chloe's breath catches. This is new. 

"That sounds good," Chloe replies after a silence that's way longer than she anticipated and if her voice breaks, none of them mention it. "Give me your number and I'll text you later."

"Sure." Christine fishes her phone out of her bag, accepting Chloe's IPhone that's already open on the new contact page. "Why do you want it now? I thought we would sit and chat for a while. Do you have to go home?"

"No," Chloe replies and gets up, putting the brush back in her purse. At some point she dropped the mirror that has now cracks in it. She finds she doesn't mind too much. "A friend of mine told me to take responsibility for my actions and I think I might need to do exactly that." She smiles at Christine, a small smile, one that she usually reserves for Brooke. Christine smiles back.

"See you soon, then?"

"See you soon."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you're having a great week! 
> 
> If you spotted any mistakes feel free to leave a comment and if you're confused as to what actually took place, feel free to ask me about it!


End file.
